Dec 8, 2010

When Magic Lamps Aren't Enough

Crossposted from Reflections Journal.

You can always run your business like the Mafia.

The Secret brain trust loves to talk about how the universe is like a magic lamp. I've already addressed the supreme irony of relying on a genie analogy to explain how to get exactly what we want. (To sum up: Genies are tricksters.) But here we go again. Secret contributor Bob Proctor and an Australian vocalist named Michele Blood are off and running with a magic lamp of a book.

This revolutionary new book will open your consciousness to the truth of what wealth really is. This book could be the magic lamp you have been searching for!

This magic lamp comes complete with a brain pretzeling, mixed metaphor of a title: Become A Magnet To Money: Through The Sea Of Unlimited Consciousness. Proctor and Blood promise to teach, among other things, a successful marketing strategy. Here are some of the super exciting bullet points.

  • How to create and maintain a successful business plan
  • How to bring yourself and your product/business/service to the market place.
  • The benefits of how and where to network,
  • Marketing your website, business and yourself!

And yet, even with all their expertise in marketing, networking, and magic lamps, Michele Blood had to seek a higher authority when it came to the actual marketing and networking thing. (Not the magic lamps, though. When it comes to magic lamps, she's locked on.) That higher authority? Frank Kern.

If you're not familiar with Frank Kern, and I was not, multiple entries from the Salty Droid can bring you up to speed. Highlights include an internet marketing package that was made up of stolen code. Oops! More recently, the Droid uploaded footage from Kern's "Magic Bullet" seminar. Think Tom Cruise in Magnolia, but without the panache.

Magic bullets, magic lamps, magic whatever... Michele Blood beat a path to Kern's door. But she learned even more than how to "hammer the shit out of people" with ridiculous claims and how to repackage overpriced newsletters that you've previously "tricked people into subscribing to." She even learned more than Kern's all important commandment, "Thou shalt not be a pussy." Michele Blood got to participate in a little Q&A with the man himself in which he gave this stellar advice. "You have to run your business like the Mafia, but you shouldn't kill anybody... um... unless they fuck with you."

One thing you get very quickly about Frank Kern is that he likes to control things. From List Control to Mass Control to being the Godfather of a syndicate... that doesn't kill people... unless they fuck with him. (I think he's kidding about that part. I hope he's kidding about that part.) But if you listen to his entire answer to Michele Blood you find that he's really just using figurative language to explain how competitors can work together for the betterment of all by forming a sort of "trade union." He's talking about teamwork. Of course so was Robert De Niro's Al Capone in The Untouchables.

If the idea of the co-author of a "law of attraction" tome law of attracting a potty-mouthed, ethically challenged, modern-day, carnival barker seems odd, it shouldn't. Lest we forget, Michele Blood is currently riding the coattails of Bob Proctor who is still riding the coattails of Rhonda Byrne whose brain child The Secret has launched quite a list of notables. There's David Schirmer who was found guilty of financial malfeasance and banned from practicing in Australia for life. There's Denis Waitley who had to resign from his own company's board after it was discovered that he had filed fraudulent S.E.C. documents claiming non-existent higher degrees. And of course there's James Arthur Ray who will go to trial early next year for manslaughter after several people were baked to death in his sweat lodge.

Lest we forget, Bob Proctor won my particular ire for recommending willful denial as a path to success in The Secret.

I nearly fell out my chair when I heard "The Secret's" Bob Proctor advise that when you're feeling bad you should simply put on some music, because it would change your mood, and to "block out everything but that [happy] thought." Try that if you're clinically depressed. Just try it. Or if you are recovering from childhood sexual abuse. Or if you are one of our returning veterans with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Even the joyous sounds of Steve Martin's banjo won't make you happy, and to suggest that it's that simple is insulting. And if you could block out all that pain, it would be anything but healthy.

Perhaps it should come as no surprise that Proctor teamed up with a vocalist who specializes in happy music. Yes, Become A Magnet To Money: Through The Sea Of Unlimited Consciousness is also a marketing vehicle for Ms. Blood's "Musivation." In fairness, I don't think her music would cause me to shut down and deny all my "negative" emotions. Ironically, I think too much of this and I would take to my bathtub with some razor blades.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Opinions and ideas expressed in the comments on this page
belong the people who stated them. Management takes no
editorial responsibility for the content of public comments.